Field's End Writers' Community

"At the field's end, in the corner missed by the mower
Where the turf drops off into a grass-hidden culvert,
Haunt of the cat-bird, nesting-place of the field-mouse...
One learned of the eternal..." - from "The Far Field," a poem by Theodore Roethke

You may recall reading here about a writer's conference I attended two years ago on Bainbridge Island at lovely IslandWood. The organization which hosted the conference is called Field's End, and local author David Guterson is one of its founders. I attended with a bit of fear and trembling; it felt presumptuous to call myself a "writer," just as it has always felt presumptuous to call myself an "artist," though I majored in art in college and have many years of experience in creative expression.

Criticism of the product - whatever I produced - is part of the classroom experience for an art major, and I internalized all of the many critiques I received, until I began to experience fear and blockage when faced with a blank canvas...so I stopped painting altogether. That's what I call an artistic injury.

There is a wonderful painter/teacher named Flora Bowley whose writing and approach to art (and living) is helping me to re-visit this injury, and to breathe healing energy toward that place. I hope - someday - to attend one of her workshops, and for now, am benefiting from reading and reflecting on her blog postings and newsletters.

Back to writing: after Katie died, writing became a lifeline for me, and I grabbed hold of it, writing freely and frequently. Writing has always felt like a natural outcome of my inclination to talk and to process my feelings verbally. Though I wrote regularly on several blogs (this one, and three on my sidebar: Katie's Comforters Guild, the Katie Gerstenberger Endowment and Hopeful Parents), I didn't think of myself as, nor dare to call myself, a "writer."

I wrote and published "Because of Katie," served as a speaker, was published in magazines, but still the inner critic slid over from the painter-side of my brain and whispered, "...But you SELF-published your book; you're not a REAL writer, yet!" So I was hesitant to even attend this workshop. Thanks to encouragement from warm-hearted friends who also wanted to attend, I went anyway - and loved it.

A post-writer's-workshop function

I've since put my name on the mailing list for Field's End newsletters and email, and due to the inspiration received at the conference, my friends and I formed our own writing group, the "Sh*tty First Draft Writing Group" (the name is a nod to Anne Lamott's advice to budding writers to get your fanny into a chair and make "sh*tty first drafts," saving the editing for later).

A few weeks ago, Field's End put out a call for volunteers, and though I couldn't attend the meeting to learn what they needed, I replied to the call and arranged to meet two of the members of the Core Team afterward. I thought I might be able to help with hospitality, registration and whatnot. It was fun to meet both Barbara and Kathleen; they are welcoming, encouraging, kind and open-minded. We shared a lively brainstorming session, and the result of that meeting is this: I was invited to join, and am now a member of, Field's End's Core Team! It's an exciting step for me.

Field's End recently sent out a questionnaire to its mailing list and received 400 responses; that is a sure sign of a vibrant writers' community! Their mission statement includes these words:

"Field's End serves the writers' community and nurtures the written word through lectures, workshops, and instruction in the art, craft, and profession of writing."

The core team seeks to encourage writers who have not yet started, and desire to do so, as well as those who are farther down the path of writing; those who have self-published as well as those who have a publisher. It's a welcoming organization, not a snobbish/exclusive one, and I sense that there will be no artistic injuries inflicted here; perhaps even repair and restoration may come to those who have been silenced by an inner (or an outer) critic. I can hardly wait to see what unfolds.

"See I Am Doing a New Thing," continued...

You can read all of the postings about my life-changing week at Rancho La Puerta  

here, here, here , here and here.

"See, I Am Doing a New Thing" - Part One

 “…See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” - Isaiah 43:19 NIV

I just returned from a trip - a journey is a more accurate description – to Rancho La Puerta in Tecate, Mexico. It was a life-enhancing week of reflection, new activities, delicious organic food in healthy portions, gentle self-care, fellowship and learning. 

Read along if you want to hear what it’s like to step outside of your regular lifestyle, off of the merry-go-round, unplug from “the grid,” and do everything with an open mind and heart in a warm, welcoming atmosphere.

Before I embarked on this adventure – a couple of months ago – I was talking to Katie in my mind one night, before I went to sleep. I told her that I was doing the best that I can with what I have - doing my best to honor her life. I heard her reply as clearly as if she was in the room with me: “That’s great Mom, but what about your life? The rest of your life doesn’t have to be all about my life.”

Whoa. That stopped me in my tracks, and I’ve been pondering it ever since.

What could be next for me, if it isn’t about Katie? I reflected. I was me before she got sick, before her passing – even before she arrived in our lives. I was me before David’s arrival, before my marriage to Gregg. What about me – what is my own life about, now?

This trip came at the perfect time to open to that question. 

I have wanted to take a spa retreat (and a spiritual retreat) since our children were small. My mom and I have spent a day here and there at a spa, and have been away on church retreats, but we’ve never taken one like this. It seemed self-indulgent - something that other people did, but not me. I wanted to do it, but never would have treated myself to it. My mom’s generosity – and her need for a break, after a difficult summer – made it possible.

As the date of departure approached, I wondered how to open my heart to prepare for the experience. The words that dropped into my mind were: “See, I am doing a new thing…” I didn’t recall where in the Bible that phrase originated, but I knew that it was God speaking. That phrase became my mantra as I prepared, mentally and physically, for the trip. I resolved to look for Him everywhere, to intentionally allow God to do a “new thing” - whatever that meant - with me.

Gregg and I flew to Palm Springs and drove to my parents' condo. He and my dad had a week of activities planned; Mom and I got up early the next day and set out for San Diego. Five highways and 2 ½ hours later, I dropped off the rental car and we were met at the airport by the welcoming staff of the ranch. They took our bags, gave us each a bottle of water and a little bag of homemade granola, and invited us to board their van. 

After another couple of hours on the road (and a border crossing), we arrived at the gates of the ranch. We were each greeted with a fresh cup of lemonade and a cool towel as we disembarked the van. 

Following the porter who took our bags, my first sensation was of the delicious scent of herbs. The largest rosemary bushes I had ever seen, abloom with purple flowers, as well as laurel, lavender, sage and thyme, wafted their fragrance in the warm air, enlivening our senses with nature’s aromatherapy. As we followed the young man along the path to our casita, enjoying the perfume in the air, I began to see that this was going to be a trip greater than anything I had imagined.

What Do You Desire in Your Leaders?

I read an interview in the Reader's Digest with author Malcolm Gladwell, whose most recent book is called "David and Goliath: Underdogs, Misfits and the Art of Battling Giants." The accompanying image (a sculpture of David, preparing to do battle with Goliath, by Bernini)

 drew me in; several quotes from the interview have stayed with me, and are worth reflection - particularly in our current political and business climate.

Reader's Digest Interviewer: What's the one thing you'd like us to take away from your book?
Malcolm Gladwell: That the greatest things in the world come from suffering.* It ought to give us solace. A lot of what is most beautiful about the world arises from struggle.
RD: You once said that we are always drawn to charismatic leaders, even though things often wind up badly. Why do you think that happens?
MG: Mistake number one is that we're interested in charisma. We often simply go for the physically imposing or attractive. Or we choose narcissists of one variety or another...We are also overly in love with certainty as a trait in our leaders.

 After reading and reflecting on those words, the following popped into my "inbox:"

"In the second half of life, you have begun to live and experience the joy of your inner purpose...At one and the same time, you know what you do know (but now deeply and quietly), and you also know what you do not know...Many politicians and clergy know what they know, but they don’t know what they don’t know, and that’s what makes them dangerous...A creative tension in the second half of life, knowing what you know and knowing what you don’t know, is a necessary one." - Richard Rohr, adapted from Adult Christianity and How to Get There

In order to exercise leadership or employ our expertise, we must have courage. We must be willing to stand for what we know to be true. However, it takes great courage and humility - one might call it integrity - to admit to ourselves, and to others, what we do not know.

This integrity is essential in business, in public service, and in our personal lives, if relationships are to be healthy and sustainable. Great damage is done by individuals who - in pursuit of power, wealth, influence or "success" - do all that they can to appear to have great expertise and certainty, beyond the scope of their true ability. "I don't know...but I will find out" is a perfectly acceptable answer - and it can deepen trust in a relationship.

Further damage ensues when profit for our own entity is the only goal we seek. There is evidence of a "me first" standard in business today, witnessed by the conduct of executives and corporations in the news (for one awful example, see this article in Vanity Fair). "Me first" is a not a sustainable model in relationships; this lesson is taught in kindergarten.

Integrity should be our highest standard, far more than profit. Profits - and fortunes - will come and go, but character is lasting. We have the potential to create a world in which business, political and personal relationships function for mutual benefit and blessing. The way to begin is to practice integrity in each aspect of our own lives, in matters small and great, so that we are not divided, but whole and consistent human beings. We can make our choices, one at a time, with the intent to bless - and in doing so, we can transform the world, one decision, one transaction, one thought at a time.

*A word about suffering: although I take Gladwell's point about suffering bearing many fruits of benefit in the world, it is important to understand that many of these benefits are apparent only after the crisis of suffering has passed. It is difficult to see blessings in the midst of suffering, and one who attempts to comfort the sufferer by pointing to the blessings inherent in it, is likely to fail - and to alienate the sufferer.

Actions > Words

No matter what words we use, our actions speak a deep and lasting message to those we meet. Ralph Waldo Emerson put it simply and eloquently:  
"What you do speaks so loudly, that it does not let me hear what you say." 

If our words and our actions are at variance, which do you suppose people will believe - and remember?

Author and doctor Don Miguel Ruiz wrote The Four Agreements. His website explains, "After exploring the human mind from a Toltec as well as scientific perspective, Don Miguel has combined old wisdom with modern insights and created a new message for all mankind, based in truth and common sense." 

The Four Agreements according to Don Miguel Ruiz are:

"1. Be Impeccable With Your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don't Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don't Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret."

The path may be stony and hard this day, or smooth and even; we may be surrounded by friends, or pierced with weapons wielded by adversaries. Whatever this day holds, may wisdom inform our words and actions, that they may be of one spirit - that we may be a blessing to those we meet.

Inspired to Give

1100 people gathered for the Ben Towne Foundation's BENefit 2013 (Image: Bryce Covey Photography)

Around here, autumn is the time when many charities host fundraisers. Gregg and I are always pleased to attend the Ben Towne Foundation's annual BENefit. We've had the privilege of being an active part of this event from its inception, and watching it grow each year lifts my heart like no other "gala" can.

Though the thing that drew us together with the Townes is the worst thing that has ever happened to us, our friendship goes far beyond that loss. It includes our sense of humor, commitment to family, a lot of coincidences, shared tastes and sensibilities, fierceness, passion and joie de vivre. It is pure pleasure to be counted among their friends and supporters, and to do all that we can to share their message and raise awareness of it.

Jeff & Carin Towne with Dr. Michael Jensen (Image: Bryce Covey Photography)

Though there are always some moments during the program that make me cry, most of my emotions at the BENefit are joyful, because the Ben Towne Foundation is getting the job done - making my dreams of a cure for pediatric cancer come true, in this time and place. Through their efforts, the pace is accelerating here in Seattle under the leadership of Dr. Mike Jensen and Dr. Rebecca Gardner (two special favorites of mine), among others. The Katie Gerstenberger Endowment for cancer research supports their laboratory.

Reba & Mary-Jane with me

Joining us at our table were my parents, brother Jim and sister-in-law Caroline, and our friends Reba, Bill, Mary-Jane and Brian. Let me give you a few statistics about our table: 60% of us had our only daughter die from pediatric cancer. Every single person at our table (100%) had suffered the loss of someone close to them as a result of pediatric cancer. For 20% of our table, it was their ONLY child (100% of the children in that family). All of us want to see this disease wiped out, with as few side effects, as quickly as possible. And we were in the right place to help the researches accomplish that.

The news is good, my friends: the first patient in the clinical trial of T-Cell therapy continues to enjoy remission, gained after only 9 days of treatment, with side effects of flu-like symptoms during that time. The next patient is ready to enroll, and it looks as if the clinical trial will soon be expanded to include a much broader range of ages - open for more patients to be treated and cured in this new, non-toxic way!

Did you know that it can cost 10 times more to treat a child with traditional chemotherapy than with T-Cell therapy - and surgery costs even more? The bill for Katie's care was in the neighborhood of a million dollars, for which we were (thank God) covered by medical insurance - but there are many whose finances are completely wiped out by such treatment, and without the promise of a cure!

Think of it this way: you could spend $350,000 for a patient to endure chemo, which can cause secondary cancers, organ damage, susceptibility to infections and reproductive problems - or $30,000 for a patient to have T-Cell therapy, with no long-term damage whatsoever, and continuing immune-system support for remission. Which would you choose for your child - or for yourself? What would you like to see become the "norm?"

Last week, I had the privilege and pleasure of attending an elegant "thank you" party for Seattle Children's Hospital's Circle of Care as the guest of one of our dear friends. The Circle of Care was conceived and founded by Scott and Laurie Oki, at Seattle Children's through their challenge grant of $1,000,000 in 1993; since that time, it has spread across the nation and has inspired $4.7 BILLION of giving to 25 children's hospitals in North America! This group is deeply appreciated by the hospital community. We enjoyed an inspiring evening of intimate conversations with top doctors and supporters who are equally committed to improving the health and quality of children's lives. I hope someday to be able to join the Circle of Care!

On this day - the very one on which Katie was admitted into the hospital in 2006 - people such as Katie, Carin and Jeff Towne, Dr. Jensen, the Okis and all of the members of the Circle of Care inspire me. Who (or what) inspires you to give?

A Magic Wand

"The day I acquired the habit of consciously pronouncing the words 'thank you,' I felt I had gained possession of a magic wand capable of transforming everything."  -Omraam Mikhael Aivanhov